Ruthie Turns 7- Trip to the American Girl Store

Ruthie Turns 7
      Trip to the American Girl Store

A trip to remember-- Ruthie and I were excited to share with her aunties and Gagas! We left for DC Friday night! Ruthie was super excited. In hand, she held her Ruthie doll and her Samantha doll. We arrived almost at the same time as Gaga Stube and Auntie H.

We had dinner in the hotel before crashing for the night! The next morning we woke up and headed to go have brunch at the American Girl store.

I'm going to let the pictures share most of our story! Highlights **Ruthie had the most amazing time. I'm sure her face hurt by the end of the day because she never stopped grinning from ear to ear. That's my sweet Ruthie though, her joy is contagious. Ruthie chose to bring home Mary Ellen. Along with Mary Ellen, came home a sweet brown lab (Annie).

Beauty In the Eyes of Mourning

Beauty in the Eyes of Mourning

This has been a difficult week. Time doesn't always make losing a child easier. At the beginning of our week we had a Memorial to celebrate our precious daughter's life. At the end of our week, we were placing our daughter in the ground. 

Thursday night- Ruthie wrote a sweet love note to her little sister. A simple and beautiful "I love you Malia". She placed the note under her pillow and prayed that God would take the note to Malia. I cried as I thought about the pain she'd feel if the note stayed under her pillow but also didn't want her to think if I took the note- that it was God. So, I took the note from under her pillow and sat down with her in the morning to explain how Malia was with God and she knows the greatest of loves. I also told her I took the note and put it in a special memory box for us to look back at. She smiled beautifully. My heart was calm.

Friday afternoon we spent some time letting the kids create special boxes for their sister. We thought they could each write a note and place it in the box to place it in the ground.  They were so excited to work on their beautiful boxes. They each decided they'd like to keep their box.

A few moments before we started our family service on Friday, Ruthie came to me and asked if she could see her sister. I tried to say no, but she said, it's okay mom. I know she looks different but i want to hold her.

Ruthie had a few moments to hold her little sister. 

She see's the beauty.

I am thankful I didn't keep this from her.

Laying Malia Margaret to Rest

Laying Malia Margaret to Rest

October 9th 2015

Tonight we laid our daughter to rest. It was a beautiful service. 

Malia Margaret- our precious little girl, gone too soon.

We are so thankful for her precious little life. We cannot wait to see her again. How my heart aches to hold her to nurse her (my milk came in late last night)

We started her service singing "When Peace Like A River"

It is Well, It is Well

With My Soul

I sure doesn't feel well with my soul right now.

But God used this beautiful song to calm my soul this afternoon. It was absolutely beautiful. 

Isaiah 25:6-9

On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine, of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined. And he will swallow up on this mountain the covering that is cast over all peoples, the veil that is spread over all peoples, the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the Lord has spoken. It will be said on that day, "Behold, this is our God; we have waited for hi, that he might save us. This is the LORD; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation."

Mark 10:14-16

He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. " And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them. 

Grief

Grief

"Afternoon"- this simple word brought on so many emotions. Anger. Sadness. I have had an exhausting week (as did Jon). Jon was working on his dissertation and trying to get some clients seen while I was parenting on my own in my grief- from morning until bedtime. It wasn't how we planned this week so many weeks earlier. We thought I'd be well into my 16th week of pregnancy. Glucose testing and plugging away as we prepared for our daughters birth in March. Instead, my body is recovering from the miscarriage of my daughter, the loss of so much blood, the exhaustion that took over my body, and the pain of emptiness. 

Friday was the day we were going to put our daughter, Malia, to rest. A day we were both ready for and dreading. And so, as Jon and I realized we were on two different pages for our Friday "afternoon" plans, the emotions flew. 

I am so thankful for such a compassionate husband. A husband who knows that the silly things I say right now have nothing to do with words like "afternoon" but the sadness that overwhelms me.  He sits with me, staying up way past our bedtime, so that I can share my heart. My pain. I love you Jon. I'm so blessed to be married to you. You're my best best friend. 

I am trying so hard to soak up God's promises. To find joy in the sadness. To remember that my daughter knows nothing but the Greatest of Loves- and that is reason to feel joyful. And I do. But I also feel so sad. And angry. And why me. I know that it's okay to feel all emotions. God knows every inch of my grieving heart. Nothing remains hidden from him. God is good. He is good in my grief. I'm so very sad but I'm so very thankful that I got to be Malia's mommy. That I got 14 beautiful weeks to carry my beautiful baby. 

Born Into The Arms of Jesus

Born Into The Arms of Jesus

This is my child's birth story- it's beautiful and messy and the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I understand parts might be uncomfortable, so please, stop reading now if you need too. I had to write this now before all the small details were erased. This is my child's' LIFE story and God will be given the Glory.

On Friday, September 25th- Jonathan and I went in for a normal OB appointment. We were excited and teasing each other on the way there and as we waited for the doctor to come in. I wish we could have waited longer- because what happened in the minutes following the doctors arrival, I wasn't prepared for. She did a normal physical and we talked about my terrible weeks of morning sickness. It was then time for our ultrasound. We- were so excited to see our little one- we couldn't imagine what was about to come out of my doctors mouth. 

We starred at her beautiful features- her little arm rested upon her face, her sweet little button nose. She was fearfully and wonderfully made. 

And then we heard "I'm concerned" coming from my doctors mouth. She couldn't find a heartbeat. I sank into the table. My life seemed to instantly turn upside down. We walked across the office to the ultrasound technician to check on a better machine. She confirmed that her heart had stopped. At that moment- Jon was holding me and we wept together. We rejoined my doctor who gave us big hugs and told us our options. She stressed we didn't have to make any decisions today, but to go home and just be with each other. 

We left the doctors office out the side door. I felt like I couldn't breathe. How in the world was this happening to me, and again. We had experienced loss before. We lost our first baby in December of 2007. This time, I was sad, mad, and confused. I had just barely made it through 14 weeks of horrible nausea and hyperemesis (AGAIN!) I had already seen she was healthy and had a strong heart beat at 6 weeks. My belly was growing, slowly, but growing. My best friend was expecting exactly one week after me. Plus other friends in the weeks before and right after. What was happening? Why was this happening? 

Life continued. Our little baby was still inside of me. Until she left my body, I was going to pray. I was going to pray that God would breathe life into her precious little body. And I was going to believe ANYTHING is possible through Christ. We were reminded in Daniel 3 that the God we serve is able to deliver us from death BUT even if he doesn't- we will serve no other gods. 

On Wednesday, I came home from having lunch to find a little bit of spotting. It was beginning. God was breathing life into my little one or God was bringing my daughter home. I was reminded again in that same passage in Daniel 3- When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out of the fire, they saw that their bodies were unharmed, not a single hair on their heads singed. This is a powerful reminder that the God we serve is Almighty. All powerful. Holding onto him and trusting in his goodness. His plans are far greater- it might seem wrong to have to say goodbye to our little girl but God's plan is never wrong. And so- with that, we wait. We wait on the Lord. 

Thursday, afternoon is when it started. It started so fast. My friend and I were sitting and chatting. I was in some pain, but we just sat, talked, and enjoyed each others company. All of a sudden, I was soaked. Like my water had broke. I called Jon quickly, told him to get home and call the doctors for pain meds. I ran up to the bathroom where contractions picked up and pain took over my entire body. I remember screaming and I remember my friends hand, reaching out and saying "squeeze" it seemed like minutes later I felt everything leave my body. My body began to shake as I realized I had probably had just given birth. I cried and my friend held me. Kids were starting to wake from naps, so I wrapped myself up in towels and blankets and walked down the stairs to wait for Jon. My friend got the kids dressed and took them outside to play at the park. Jon got home just as I realized I wasn't finished. We walked up the stairs and quickly again, I was screaming through contractions. And then- our daughter Malia Margaret was born. I quickly felt the color leave my body. I dropped to the floor as Jon retrieved our little girl. There she was, all protected in the sac, unharmed from the pain of this world. She had all 10 fingers and toes and was absolutely beautiful. I cried as Jon held her, the pain in my body continued. We called an ambulance because I was not going to be able to get to the hospital on my our own.  

I remember not much of our trip to the hospital. I was in pain, I was cold, and I was overwhelmed with sadness. Once at the ER, the doctor and nurses took very good care of us. Contractions were persisting because my body was trying to birth the placenta. I remember the nurse asking me to push. My body sank as I didn't have one more ounce of strength left for pushing. She held my hand (as did Jon) and I pushed the placenta out. A little later, an ultrasound indicated that I had about 6 inches left of tissue. A dear friend came and sat with me while I had a dose of pitocin to try and rid my body of the remaining tissue. I was uncomfortable but I was so thankful that even though this little life had died on earth, she was being celebrated. 

After arriving home, Jon went and got me some soup and I sat across from my mom sharing with her Malia. My medication kicked in and Jon took me up to bed. Later that evening, Jon and I went down and spent time with our little girl. We pulled open the sac she was born in and just studied her precious little body. It was very important to me that I had time with my little girl and Jon and I'm so thankful God heard the deep desires of my heart and made it possible so that I could hold her and just be in the moment. Crying and thanking Jesus for this beautiful child he created. Perfectly. 

My beautiful daughter Malia "beloved" Margaret "pearl" though our time together was short here on earth- I cannot wait to see you and hold you again for eternity. I will hold you in my heart until then and praise God-- his plan for your life is perfect. 

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A Message from Jon:
Little Malia,

I love coming up with nicknames for my children. Ru Ru, Bray, and Mar (to name just one each). I wonder what yours would have been. I wonder how I might have enjoyed time spent with you as an infant, toddler, child, teenager, and adult. Maybe most of all I wonder what the light in your eyes would have been like. I wonder how you would have looked at me when I picked you up in the morning or came home from work at the end of the day or teased you (or you teased me). 

I wanted to write something about your mom in this space. Not that you'll read it, I suppose. Maybe this is more for me and for your mom than for you, but I do hope there is some mystical way you do get this message. Your mom is tough and utterly courageous when it comes to her children-- and you are no exception. She is deeply passionate and loving toward her children-- and you are no exception. She loved you from the moment we found out you existed through your death and even to this moment. She loved you so much that she went through agonizing pain and potential danger to get to see you even after we knew you were no longer living. She didn't write about it above, but she actually had to go back to the hospital again the following night and your mother and I were there overnight so she could have a surgical procedure. She could have had that surgery earlier this week and she would not have had to go through all the pain of Thursday through Saturday. But that is not your mom. She knew her chance to see you rested on her willingness to endure whatever might come and she was brave enough to do it. And so in some strange way you redeemed all that pain, Mal. To see you and your short blessed life made all the pain worth it. You were worth it and more. Your mom proved it. 

I don't know you yet, Mally, but I look forward to seeing the light in your eyes in the next life. Until then, sweet child, rest in the knowledge that you were loved just as much as our other children and so much more by your heavenly Father. 

Marshall Turns Two

Marshall Turns Two

We successfully accomplished getting our wild one to the age of two- Marshall is so full of energy and he doesn't do anything less than 100%! We love him and his crazy fun loving personality. He's the first one to try something new. Whether that be- taking his bike to the top of our neighbors hill to speed down it with no shoes and no helmet, or to jump into the deep end at the pool hoping daddy won't catch him. I'm trying to let him be brave with a few guidelines- like... no playing on the street dude!! There are cars! Twice, recently, we've found him outside, on his bike, on the road, before we even were up and out of bed! It's scary!! And so dangerous.

Marshall's vocabulary is taking off! He's speaking so much more and we're understanding so much more these days! His newest word is "I'm sorry" which is the sweetest apology coming out of his sweet little mouth.  Here is a short list of some of my favorites:
Brayden- Bayna (ah! I love this- but now Brayden calls Marshall Bayna too and it's super confusing!)
Ruthie- Row Row
Daddy- Daddy Bum
Waffle- Wa Wa
Cookie- Bwa Bwa

For his 2nd Birthday we had a Paw Patrol Birthday Party combined with his cousin Ella who will turn two in May. I made this party as low key as possible and we had a great time! I bought dollar puppy bowls to put some of the snacks inside, made a fetch station, and prayed for nice warm weather. :) It was a success!

Here are his big boy two year old stats:

Height- 34.8 " (64%) 2' 9"
Weight- 26 lbs 5 oz (46%)

What Do You Love?? - Valentine's Day 2015

What Do You Love??
     Valentine's Day 2015

Ruthie:
1) I love to eat... icecream
2) I love to play with... Monster High
3) I love it when my mom... bakes me lunch
4) I love it when my dad... cooks me chicken nuggets
5) I love to... swing!
6) I really love... mommy

Brayden:
1) I love to eat... sandwiches
2) I love to play with... Philip!
3) I love it when my mom... turns on shows
4) I love it when my dad... build blocks
5) I love to... play!
6) I really love... my family

I love to eat as a family- my three kids, my husband, and I sitting around the dinner table discussing our day together. I love to play with each of my children; individually and all together. With the recent snow it's been fun to go out as a family to go sledding. As a mom, I love it when I can hold each of my babies and snuggle with them. I love it when daddy gets up on a Saturday to make breakfast and play with the kids while I take a few minutes for myself. I love to dance, sing, goof off with my kids and watch as they smile and giggle. I really love this mom gig! Best moments of my life.