Grief

Grief

"Afternoon"- this simple word brought on so many emotions. Anger. Sadness. I have had an exhausting week (as did Jon). Jon was working on his dissertation and trying to get some clients seen while I was parenting on my own in my grief- from morning until bedtime. It wasn't how we planned this week so many weeks earlier. We thought I'd be well into my 16th week of pregnancy. Glucose testing and plugging away as we prepared for our daughters birth in March. Instead, my body is recovering from the miscarriage of my daughter, the loss of so much blood, the exhaustion that took over my body, and the pain of emptiness. 

Friday was the day we were going to put our daughter, Malia, to rest. A day we were both ready for and dreading. And so, as Jon and I realized we were on two different pages for our Friday "afternoon" plans, the emotions flew. 

I am so thankful for such a compassionate husband. A husband who knows that the silly things I say right now have nothing to do with words like "afternoon" but the sadness that overwhelms me.  He sits with me, staying up way past our bedtime, so that I can share my heart. My pain. I love you Jon. I'm so blessed to be married to you. You're my best best friend. 

I am trying so hard to soak up God's promises. To find joy in the sadness. To remember that my daughter knows nothing but the Greatest of Loves- and that is reason to feel joyful. And I do. But I also feel so sad. And angry. And why me. I know that it's okay to feel all emotions. God knows every inch of my grieving heart. Nothing remains hidden from him. God is good. He is good in my grief. I'm so very sad but I'm so very thankful that I got to be Malia's mommy. That I got 14 beautiful weeks to carry my beautiful baby.