One of the Hardest Decisions

One of the Hardest Decisions

From the moment I knew I was expecting, I was excited for another round of nursing. I had nothing but fond memories of nursing Ruthie. She could empty me within three to five minutes after the first month or two and I just loved our time together. 

So- right from the start nursing was one of my top priorities. Because I had Brayden naturally, I was excited to nurse him within the first moments of his life, but that plan quickly changed when Brayden was having some breathing issues and they took him to the nursery and put him on oxygen. When we were finally reunited, I was excited to nurse my baby boy. Our first time was wonderful, not perfect, but wonderful. My only regret is that I didn't chose to see a lactation consultant at the hospital- who knows, but she could have maybe kept me from the first cracks and soreness I experienced. Nonetheless, I met with one shortly after going home and she gave me some great tips to make sure he was latching properly each and every time. 

Now skip to month #2- Brayden isn't gaining weight- he's in a horrible amount of pain. I drop dairy and soy from my diet and he goes onto Zantac and Prevacid. No changes. I continue to nurse but Brayden from this point on doesn't gain weight like he should and several times loses an ounce here and there. I have a definite good and bad side. I look forward to nursing on my right- cringe at the thought of nursing on my left. He's latching properly now- but I'm so torn apart, you wouldn't know it. I continue to bite my lip, shed some tears, and nurse my son. That's my job. That's what I do. We have good weeks and bad weeks- but he's not showing improvement in the weight department.

Now 5 months old- we gone through: cracked and sore nipples, healing, possible yeast infection, mastitis, more cracked nipples, bleeding, bleeding, bruising, more bleeding. I continue to nurse. Brayden's weight drops again, I see a 4th round of lactation consultants who state he's latching properly, he's taking in enough milk, but not showing any improvements. GI Specialist appointment is made. Immediately he tells me to stop breastfeeding. I bullheadedly tell the doctor I choose to continue to nurse and I'll change my diet. He sets me up with a dietitian. I continue to nurse and things are finally going well again. I'm completely healed and feeling great. Loving every moment. Then, one day, he's not nursing so well and I look at Jon and say "he's going to cut me open again" "I just feel it happening" by evening, it's happened, I am a bleeding mess again. And I'm finished. 

I end up nursing him through the night because I don't know what other options I have. In the morning, Jon and I make the decision to drop nursing. I am sad. 

I went to the store, bought another brand of formula that is dairy/soy free but supposed to taste a lot better. And it starts, we work for hours and hours to get him to take a bottle. He refuses. I watch as my son screams and fights the bottle. All the while, I have milk to feed him, but just sadly hold back. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I told Jon I would be emotional. I feel like a failure. I know I'm not- but I have never felt so defeated. It's been a long weekend and I can happily say it is getting easier with each feeding. Jon still feeds him the majority of the time and I'm learning all about cabbage leaves and the awful feelings of engorgement. 

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm hoping that I start feeling better and Brayden has officially made the transition from breastfed to bottle-fed baby. 

Please continue to pray for us. Brayden means the world to me and I want what's best for him and I know that I've made the right decision. Already I can see a huge improvement. He meets with the GI Specialist in Danville for his endoscopy and colonoscopy on August 19th and has his 6 month appointment in two days. As for me, please pray that my body will quit producing milk and my body quits aching. Pray that I don't get mastitis again and I will start to feel better.

We love you and are thankful for each of you.

Oh- and just so you know, I'm not ready to really talk about all this but wanted to get my emotions out. I'm struggling, but I do know I made the best choice for me and most importantly, for my little man.